Vignette 1: By the Sea

I'm in Tillmook, Oregon. It's a little cheese and cow town. Most people know it because of the cheese or the ice cream. I live about 500 feet from the ocean because- I got very, very lucky in a land deal. A woman was trying to get back at her husband who cheated on her,  and they were splitting the assets, and so she sold off all their properties for a few $1000 each and I got one of them. Yeah. That happened near the end of my, not the end of my life, but, I'm not at the end, but I'm definitely in the winter. But that happened in 2018 at a point where everything else had fallen apart, and I was wondering if I should move to Washington or not, or somewhere, anywhere where the property taxes weren't so high, or you know, where old people can get a break, or veterans can get a break. But I found this deal and I couldn't pass it up. But it does put me square in the center of- it's a mixed group, really. It's a redneck town, but there's a lot of a lot of them who aren't loggers- well, actually, there's probably some nice loggers too, but it's the timber industry, and the dairy industry, and they own everything. And so, signs like, overt signs, like "fuck Biden" and "fuck Kate," the previous governor of Oregon. And they're paying for billboards- this is hardcore. And, of course, the Trump flags, you know, are flying. But the ocean communities are generally really liberal. So, there's this wild mix of the very redneck town with some liberals in it,- Next to a very, very liberal town with some rednecks in it. 

Vignette 2: Where Do I Fit?

I just served one hitch and I came out on top, you know, left 4F- that's the good way with an honorable. We did one enlistment. Very difficult for me. Mixed feelings. Torn feelings. It was the early 80s, so women weren't welcome. There were only 4% of women in the military at that time. And then, it's just, it's odd. I don't fit into in just about any world because I'm not enough Blackfeet to be enrolled, although they're very kind to embrace me, but they would only embrace me, I think- The main guy who brought me in knows that I was gay, but- I don't think I would, I certainly wouldn't be safe- I know that. Maybe I'd welcomed by some, but I would not be safe on the nation. In the military, I can get kicked out if I find someone to love, but they can find- they can cheat on their husbands, and they can cheat on their wives, and they can rent prostitutes in Korea, but none of them get kicked out- only the people who don't fit the mold for somebody else's definition of morality. 

Vignette 3: My Identity

I mean, I know that I am completely drawn to women and that I have a woman's body. If I had been born in another era, like right now, I probably would have undergone a transition; but then again, I'm really iffy about whether I would have because I've never met anybody who's transitioned who's been thrilled with the outcome. You can change the body, but people still see what they see. And maybe things are changing even more than that. I don't know. And I don't know that I would because I also identify with women so strongly, but I also identify strongly, more strongly, with heterosexual women, like from a man's point of view. 

Vignette 4: Two-Spirits

That's what I identify most with- two-spirit but the old-fashioned definition of two-spirit, which is embodying both a male and a female spirit-, and that is what I identify most with. Whereas dominant culture, I won't say white 'cause it's mostly dominant culture, wants it to be either/or, you know, or you can say nonbinary. It's like, no, I'm not not anything. How can you not not be anything? I think that's a horrible category, but that's what I usually pick if I'm forced to because two-spirit's never on there. 

Vignette 5: Love and Loss

C.D.:

Many, many, many years ago. Well, the part about being gay, or just being drawn to women, that was because- We're in a really touchy area right now because my partner just, not my partner, but my very first love died this week.

Interviewer:

Oh, I'm so sorry. 

C.D.:

It's alright. But I fell in love with her quite by accident. I didn't know that that was possible, and she was so open, and had no concerns. It was just like, "Oh, everyone falls in love with me, darlin'. Just come live with me." And I was like, "Do you understand that I'm in love with you? Like, I would like to sleep with you, you know?" And she understood. But she loved being loved. It was a horrible relationship, but we carried on a friendship for 45 years, and it was the first person I fell in love with. Her daughter wrote to me on Thursday and said she found her mother dead in her home. And she had tried at one point to switch sides, but she's the most heterosexual woman I've ever met in my life. And she came here to live with me, and I was hurt because she couldn't love me sexually, and she was hurt because she thought if I loved her enough she could stay anyway, and I said, "It's just it's too hard. You know, I can't. I did this 45 years ago with you. I can't do it again." So, in two-thousand twenty-one, my mother died one week, and she left the next. So, and COVID was really active, and I ended up getting it twice, and because of my military toxins, it knocked me down completely- it gave me pneumonia, it's really disrupted my digestive system, and I have emphysema, and a lot of short-term memory problems, so I'm working on fixing those. Katrina's the reason I figured it out. Then, I slept with a woman, and I felt like I had arrived home. And she was a beautiful blonde who looked, if you can look heterosexual, and who described herself as bisexual- as have all of my partners. But I have never had a partner more than two years, and I've only had four, and most of them have been three months or less, and I attribute that to being a two-spirit. If you're attracted to someone who's attracted to men, it's very, very difficult for them to stay in my world when it's a lot more welcoming to be in a world that opens up every door- they can hold hands everywhere, their parents congratulate them, everybody wants to throw a real wedding, a big wedding, you know, for them. And if they move over to my side of the fence, everything is cut off, and maybe even the two of you are cut off depending on your families. 

Vignette 6: Want Some of This?

C.D.:

I got chased in Portland. This one's kind of funny, actually, because there were five guys playing hacky sack, like two whites, two blacks and a Mexican guy- so, nice group for hating another person. But I walked by with my girlfriend. We weren't holding hands. Nothing. I wanted to show her downtown Portland. And we were in what's now called the Chinatown District. And she was like- We could feel them eyeing us, and she said, "Don't you say a word," because I am very mouthy, and, like, I tell people, "Get a life. Do something else. Enjoy the day." But, you know, stop staring at me, and you're not going to intimidate me. And instead, one of them whips out his penis and says, "You wouldn't be going with her if you had some of this." And my partner, not me, my partner yelled, "Why the fuck do you think I switched?" And that's all it took. The five of them came after us. We ran like hell. And we turned the corner and I saw double doors where music was inside- it's 10 in the morning- and we burst through the double doors, and landed in the Embers. Are you in Oregon? 

Interviewer:

I'm currently in Canada, but I grew up in Seattle and Washington. 

C.D.:

OK. The Embers is a really big, old, old, established gay club and it's got a huge drag queen contingent. And there were drag queens there practicing/rehearsing. And the gang of guys came flying in the doors, and, I mean, just after us, but we came in first said, "People are after us." And there's giant Dolly Parton, and giant Cher, and everyone standing there with their arms folded, and the boys ran in and ran right up to them, and they said, "Do you want some of this?" They're like, "Nope. No, we don't." And they all backed out. To have the standoff be between three drag queens and a gang of angry men who thought they could, I don't know what they thought they would do. 

Vignette 7: Old Habits

I have one gay friend, lesbian friend I should say- I still use gay 'cause I'm old and it was like the universal for a long time. And lesbian was used as a weapon in my high school. And I remember they hurt one girl, and they ran her out- they ran her down so often, so frequently that she ended up having to quit high school. And, so, it's really hard for me to use that word and think of it as kindness. 

Vignette 8: Ocean Bird Woman

It was Blackfeet Nation Days, so they did their whole history. It was wonderful. And for four days, they heard I was Nez Perce, and they were just like, "Fuck you." The two tribes are not good. It's like what happened during the settlements in the confederations- they'd throw warring tribes in together, and it was not appreciated- And same with Nez Perce and Blackfeet. So, for four days, almost no one spoke to me, but I didn't care- I was just so enraptured. And on the fifth day, they had Blackfeet History Days, and they were serving fry bread. I'd never had anything so fabulous in my life. And I had celiac, but I didn't know it at the time, so I could eat like a full pizza- didn't phase me a bit. And I loved to eat because I lost almost all my food. I ate a whole fry bread. And so, another woman walked up, and she's like, "So, you like fry bread?" and I'm like, "Yeah?" She's like, "You haven't tasted my fry bread. Hang on just a minute." So, she brings hers over- I finished the whole thing. And then another woman walks up and goes, "You're a good eater. You wanna try my fry bread?" and I'm like, "Yeah, I'd love to." I ate three full fry breads. They're like giant. And then everybody's walking by, and they're patting me on the back, and they're pulling my braid 'cause I used to have a braid. And, after that, everybody spoke to me. It was just a silly thing. It's just, I guess they wanted to see if I was going to like steal from them, or whatever. And then, at the end, they asked what I would like, and I said, "No, no." I said, "The only thing I would like is to have an identity, and that requires a name, and I can't ask that because I'm not enrolled, but you've touched my heart." And I left them gifts, and they left me gifts. And right before I left for the airport, they took me to George Hummingbird's house, who lives right at the edge of the Rocky Mountains. And he was praying over me, and I was just being respectful- I didn't, I don't speak enough of the language to understand what the prayer was being said. And then he threw sage at the stove, and the sparks lit up, and he said, "And your new name is Mota Eski Pixie Aki." And I thought, "What? What did you just say?" And the tribal council had voted and they decided that I was respectful, and a member, and I had done so much for their tribe that they wanted me to have a name. So, that's how I got it. Means "Ocean Bird Woman." And, at the time, I didn't live at the ocean, so I really felt like it was heartfelt and prophetic. You know, it's the closest to an identity that I've ever had. 

Vignette 9: Together We Fight

I fought a lot of years, though. I mean, I did an open protest in a Foursquare church. Yeah, stopped their church service because they were advocating for death for one and saying, "We love the sinner, we hate the sin," and all this bullshit, and they were really, really promoting, it was Major Eight- it was a measure we had years and years ago, saying that it should be a law that if you don't want to rent to gays and lesbians, you can kick them out and evict them without cause; and if you don't want to employ gays and lesbians, let alone trans, I mean, God, this is just like people trying to pass, for crying out loud, like Blacks passing in the '20s and '30s, you know. I get why they did it, I mean, how many years can you go without having your spirit be affected? So anyway, they were passing out pamphlets and stuff, so we went into their church- two of us from Act Up- And unfortunately, it was a slow newsday and I made the front page of The Oregonian, and with my fist in the air, the one minute my fist was in the air, because Carl said, "We look militant. We want to look like we're unified," and, so, we switched, and we held hands in the air instead, but they got us in the one moment we had our fists in the air so that we looked like the guys at the Olympics years ago who protested the Olympics. But, that's OK. 

Vignette 10: Odd One Out

But anyway, I later worked as a deputy because I'm an idiot. I thought parole and probation was very much like counseling- it kind of is if you're in a big city; it is not if you're in a small town- you're deputized, and you wear a gun, and you have to go to the Police Academy. I didn't know any of that. So, I signed on to be a deputy, and I ended up being a a parole officer, and I ended up being deputy dog for three or four years. And then I couldn't take it- I could not arrest people because it's wrong to. You're incarcerating people. One thing mostly for drugs, 70% of them, which is treatable and you can work with it. When I took her arm to arrest her and I felt her spirit give over to me completely, completely aquiesced to me, I thought, I can't do this. This is this will break me quicker than anything. So, I moved to DHS as a caseworker. They don't have any therapist jobs available in my little town. And I worked the emergency Child Abuse Hotline. And that was mostly women, but it was a horrible, horrible job. And I wanted out. When an opening came up for a therapist at the men's prison, I took it. So, man, you want to talk about an ugly, ugly world? Prisons- it's a racket. You can be in high school and be a prison officer. You can get all the way up to Lieutenant. You still don't have to have any education. You don't have any insight. They wouldn't let me counsel. I did anyway. I go into these redneck jobs and then I decide I'm going to change them. Because I couldn't let the men just flounder, I mean, there were a lot of good men, but there were a lot of really, really fucking scary men too. But, so, in all my jobs, most of my jobs, I felt like I've been out. Like, usually, I'm the only woman in there. I don't fit in dominant culture even though I look like dominant culture, and I was raised dominant culture. 

Vignette 11: Fabulosa

I don't know enough about the trans world. I did go to a festival with my goddaughter- my goddaughter considers herself nonbinary and she's married to a woman, who was heterosexual before she met my goddaughter. And my goddaughter also is Katrina's daughter- that's the woman who died last week- like for four days ago. Yeah. And she is a  sound engineer and invited me to a festival called Fabulosa in California. And I drove down and I went. And women who were 300 pounds went topless; women who had breast scars from surgery went topless; people who are halfway through transitions and had mustaches and breasts; and everybody hugged everybody. And I just about died. I just felt like it was- I'm tearing up again because the kindness, and the acceptance. I thought, why should this be so limited? No one's hurting anybody. And you can damn sure bet nobody convinced anybody to transition. it's a horrible thing to know you've got a different inside than you present. So, at that point, I felt like I was maybe a candidate for being trans, you know, because I fit so well for the first time anywhere. I was like 63, and I think, but hey I feel more two-spirit. I identify with women. I identify because I'm proud of them, and I feel like one of them, and I like the camaraderie we share. So, I don't think I fit very well in any of the worlds.

Vignette 12: My Niche

C.D.:

And I'm an artist, but I'm not a good businesswoman, so I didn't fit in that world either. But for two years, I sold my paintings for a good price for two years. But some months, I'd make three grand, which in 1990, was a lot of money. 

Interviewer:

That's a lot. Yeah, that's a lot now, yeah. 

C.D.:

And, other months, I'd make 50 bucks. All the people who were succeeding, they did these business lunches, breakfast at Denny's, and all the artists would get together and figure out how to lure people in, and they said, "You gotta dress differently, and wear long, silk, flowing gowns, and big giant earrings, and look more Native," and I'm thinking, I don't want it- I want it to be my art. I don't want to. When you look at the galleries in Arizona, shit, I'm an average painter. I'm not a great painter. But I still wanted it to be for the way my paintings were. And a couple of them made Southwest Art Magazine, and I had my little heyday for two years, and I had to quit it. I just, I couldn't- I couldn't do the business thing. If somebody said, "Oh, my God, I love that painting," and they came back week after week, but they couldn't afford it, I just give it to them for whatever it cost me to frame it. So, I don't fit in the business world either. Don't fit in the art world because I'm not a businesswoman. I don't have a good niche except for maybe being a hermit. I'm really good at that. And I'm really good with my animals- they come to me. The elk herd here knows me, and they'll let me walk up to them. I do not get any closer than 15 feet. And I always bow my head, and hold my hands out so they know I'm no threat. I've learned to do things like that, so. There's a new lead cow, and she's really mean and she hates me, but the other elk in the herd dissuaded her from charging me, and I think that's because we know each other. And most of the deer around here know me, a couple of them are skittish. Even the buck has finally come around. But I shoo him away really quickly 'cause he's the one who now started to walk up to me. And I was like, "Uh-uh, don't you ever do that. You gotta be scared of all people. You need to be."

Vignette 13: Life in the City is Not for Me

The ocean and the animals. When I'm with them, I feel like I'm worth something- And that I belong somewhere. I go into a city and it's asphalt, and I can't smell anything but exhaust. I went to a gay club in the '90s and I wept afterwards because they were dancing to rap, which I'm sure it's a great and genuine genre- my godchild tells me it is. I don't get how you dance to it, though. No one smiled when they danced because that's the way to dance- they've seen it from MTV or wherever, I mean, maybe that's passe now, and that's not where they're getting their examples, but you're supposed to look cool and more than have fun. And I felt old and I was probably twenty years younger, but I was about fifty. Forty, I was here, so maybe not twenty years younger. I was probably about 52/53, and I didn't recognize anyone even my age, and I thought, well, if there's no club and there's no place I can dance, I don't know why would I ever want a city because when- You're in your home more than anywhere else, and around it, and if you're going to be alone and walk out on a sidewalk, it's hard, and it's cold, and no one says hello to you. I felt like John-Boy Walton. I'm like saying, "Hi, how are you?" 'cause people walking towards me on the street. And here people do say "Hello" to anybody who's in their vicinity. And people looked at me like I was going to mug them, like when I was in the streets of Portland, and I thought, I can't live like this where it's all anonymous. And I consider it to be unkind. They probably consider it to be city life, and exciting, and fun, and aloofness are hand-in-hand. I like genuineness. I like down-to-earthness. And I'm never, ever gonna find a partner in a city without me completely changing my way of life- And the things that I love. I can't imagine going months at a time without seeing herons, and egrets, and eagles, and deer, and elk, and, I don't know. I have considered selling this place and moving to Canada, but only if Trump wins. But I hate the cool. And with the amount of destruction my body's taking, the cold's really hard on me now. 

Vignette 14: Not the One for Me

And I did join Silver Singles- the stupidest fucking name I've ever heard in my life. It sounds like Jingle Bells or something. The first woman was married to a man. She didn't tell me for six weeks. I'm glad that we did not meet. The second one insulted me in the first 50 seconds of the phone conversation. She asked me what kind of music I like. I said, "Oh geez," and I named off blues, and old rock, and folk, and I said, "I love Native- I've got this beautiful spiritual chant stuff that is put to," I don’t know if you've ever heard of Brulé, but I love their music. And I said, "Pretty much everything but jazz." And she goes, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You can't say you don't like jazz." And, I'm thinking, actually I just did, and you just called me stupid, and we've known each other 50 seconds now. Let go of that one. And the next one seems pretty good. She was a therapist. I wondered if she was trans because she's 6 foot 2", but I really don't care- I'm looking for people who are genuine down to earth. I don't care what their original anatomy was at birth. Anyway, she came here with her dog. First thing that happened was her dog bit mine, and then she said, "Well, she had good reason." I said, "My dog didn't do anything," and she said, "Yeah, but she's been attacked by a dog that looks similar." I'm like, OK? I was in the middle of construction, and so my yard was full of muddy gravel at the time, and she came in and put her feet up on the couch. I put my feet up on the couch, but not with muddy grass on my shoes- and she did. And then she let her dog run in the ocean, and I said, "Oh, I didn't bring a dog towel," and she said, "It's OK, she doesn't need one." I'm like, but my truck might appreciate it. I said, "That's alright, I'll vacuum it out later." It's not- it's a dirty truck anyway, But then she let the dog run into the house, jump into the guest bed soaking wet with sand all over her, and it went through the sheet onto the mattress. She said, "It's OK. I don't mind sleeping on it." It's my mattress. I have to- And I just was like, I'll see you later. And then I cooked and I spent, eh, four hours- I was making a real special meal. She never offered. She napped on the couch. And then didn't offer to help clean up either. And I thought, OK. No, I quit. I'm out. Three times, three strikes, you're out. 

Vignette 15: This or That

And so, and again, I identify too much with women to believe that I'm fully trans. I get the inclination completely. It's hard being two-spirit in a world that's so dichotomous. Yeah, they want either/ors- you can't love immigrants if you love veterans, it's like, where the fuck you getting that? They're different coffers- one has nothing to do with the other. Don't say, "Take care of our vets first." Yeah, I really appreciate that, but it doesn't have anything to do with immigrants. 

Vignette 16: Let Them See Your Spirit

But I guess if you're older, it's inevitable that people are going to die. So, I've tried to reach out, like I say, with the Silver Singles, and the LBGTQ but- And I'm gonna just say this, and I'm hoping it does not offend you- the trans people here in town, it appears to me that they want to frighten people, or they're half and half and they make a show being half and half, and then insist that people call them one or the other, you know- which half they prefer. And I think, I'm not an advocate for blending in, God knows I'm not. But we're in a redneck town, and if you'd show them their spirit first, and then just be something that they could see, you know, like, I don't know, maybe that's wrong of me, but it throws them to see a mustache and breasts. This is a hard place to do that, so I admire their guts, totally, and I'm not against them in any way. I feel badly for them because I know that what happens in older age when you spend years fighting, and being hurt, and assaulted. 

Vignette 17: Gardens, Treehouses, Camper Vans

Interviewer:

So, what brings you joy or happiness? 

C.D.:

Working in my yard, my garden. I created a paradise here, even if it's along- The back is wild, and has a big stone wall, and it's open to the forest, and I have five different sets of trails with fairy houses in each one of the trails, little double entendre just for fun. And the front section is all about pergolas, and decks, and climbing vines, and beauty. I'm hiring someone because I have no arm to build me a treehouse where I can read because I love books. Oh, and I bought a van- a camper van- because I have got to connect with people, and I'm not doing it, and I'm not finding a way to do it. So, I'm gonna drive across America, and stop at all the campgrounds, and hopefully in some powwow places, you know, to let them I'm there. 

Vignette 18: Journeying with Journey

C.D.:

I'm just gonna keep calling Tribal Councils and seeing the beauty with my dog. Journey is my best bud, my little buddy, and she's gonna travel with me as soon as we get the box fixed- van.  

Interviewer:

I love it. So, what kind of dog do you have? 

C.D.:

She's part Catahoula, part Aussie, and part Staffordshire Terrier, so she has a blue eye and a brown eye, and a little RCA dog face. And she's super, super smart. And she's able to predict my attacks, so I know not to go places, or get in the truck when she's putting her paw on my leg going, 'no, I want you right here.' And she suffers from a lot of health problems, but I just found a vet who believes in holistic and natural healing, and he brought a whole ton of stuff by, and some nettle tea. And she's improving in leaps and bounds after two years of being almost debilitated. She takes care of me, and I take care of her. 

Vignette 19: Black Dragonfish

Interviewer:

What are you looking forward to in the next five to 10 years? 

C.D.:

My book coming out. I wrote a book called  Black Dragonfish  and I want that out so badly. It's not just about trying to be gay and be a woman in the military, it's  M*A*S*H  on estrogen, kind of. Only it's not about the military, it's about [no audio] (01:16:25)- I met people there that suffered from the day they were born. They had no chance. My little orphan buddy who stayed in my hooch, a hooch is a studio apartment, with me almost every weekend. My best friend was a prostitute, but not like you think of as prostitutes, Ms. Lee. And the DJ, Din Jin, was running from the ROK draft- he was probably gay, but they didn't call it that, they called it "family." And we protected him from the ROK one day and hid him underneath my ass- I was sitting on top of him pretending like I was the DJ, and he was in the box beneath me while the ROK guys were tearing the bar apart. But what I learned was a black dragonfish is the only- one of the only creatures that can survive in the trenches. The ocean has five zones and the bottom one is so dark it's called the midnight zone, and it's further divided into two more- the abyss and the trenches. And one of the only creatures that can survive in the trenches is the black dragonfish, and it can because it makes its own light. And that's a message I want to- I want to honor the Korean people. I want to honor the gays who survived the military, and the women who survived in my era, and I want that book out more than anything.