Vignette 1: Home Is Where Vancouver Is

Well, I was born and raised on the Yakima Indian Reservation, so I was learning more of the Yakima ways with the Yakima Tribe - born and raised there for my first 29 years, graduated from school there, graduated college from there, and then I had gotten married and lived across the United States as far as Missouri - excuse me - with my husband and my two young boys, just kind of packing up and constantly moving because he did contract work. So, lived in a few big cities, a few small cities - just very different communities that we were among, so had to be flexible and open minded to be able to feel comfortable, you know, for our own comfort in these communities, which was away from any reservations or Native communities. I eventually made it back to my home reservation in Idaho - the Nez Perce Reservation. My parents retired and they moved back to Idaho - they moved from the Yakima Reservation back to the Nez Perce Reservation, so that is what I consider home now, where my parents are, and had lived there for a bit and then came over this way because I had stayed here once before and just loved the Portland area. When my two boys graduated high school and had jobs, I'm the one that flew the coop. I said, “You guys can keep the house, I'm moving to Vancouver.” I wanted to do my life over there.

Vignette 2: I Am Who I Am

Two-spirit is having a male and female spirit, which I believed I had. I kind of recognized this when I was young, but we didn't have the term back then with me growing up and I didn't know anything about it. But, for me, it's just being able to live in two different worlds and be comfortable with that. When I was younger, I knew I wasn't comfortable just being female because I wanted to do the male roles and I had some firsts that I have done - I kind of changed the script on some things growing up because I was more comfortable doing this than I was, you know, just doing that. One day I'd be in a dress being all nice and princessy, the next day, I'd be out playing football and getting all dirty. You know, just how I wanted to be was it was to live in the both worlds. And not even realizing that I was two-spirit until I got to high school, and I'm thinking, OK, now it's bisexuality, is that how I identify? Cause these identifiers weren't around when I was growing up, and even in high school. But once I realized what two-spirit was I learned more of it when I moved here in to Vancouver and started working with NARA Northwest, I got involved with Basic Rights Oregon and became a two-spirit history trainer, and I was able to understand a little bit more of that and realizing this is who I am and just wish that I had known that this identity existed when I was little. And then we learned that it's been around since time immemorial, and all those special roles that are two-spirit held. I really don't hold myself up to that high regard. I don't see myself— I try to be a leader - that's one of the roles that that they have. Not a healer. I do bead work. I try to go out hunting, but I'm not that good of a hunter or a fisher/fisherman. But I play both roles - the fishing, the hunting, the gathering, the cooking, and I just really embrace just wanting to have that ability too. And it's from within the heart. It's how I see it's more just how my heart feels about it. I don't try to look one way or look another way. I just want to be who I am and present myself as who I am as a two-spirit. But I allow other people, you know, well if you want to identify me as she/her you're more than welcome, as he/him/they, you know, you're welcome. That's how you see me then that's fine because I'm not trying to present myself in any certain way. So, I allow others to go ahead and identify me how they see me, but I do just use the one identity as a two-spirit Nimiipuu. But I really embraced that now that I've learned the history of where they came from, all the struggles and oppression that happens today.

Vignette 3: Since the Beginning of Time

I think because we're not cisgendered, and because we have more than one identity with the two-spirits, I think we do kind of belong in that aspect along with the rest of them because we identify as different, which isn't, as they say, “the norm.” I think we're normal. I think everybody in the alphabet mafia is normal. It's just that we are able to express who we are a little bit more freely without judgment, although it's still there, but we're brave enough to be able to grasp our identity and go with it, but it is a little bit different on how two-spirits are compared to the LGBTQ+. I actually got into a conversation about this from the LGBTQ+ community, they get, “Oh, do two-spirit think they're above us - that they're better than us?” I'm like, “No, no, I don't.” (Laughs). I don't ever want anybody to have that distinction, thinking that that we're trying to put us above others, but we're not. I put two-spirit in front 2S LGBTQ+ because I've told people we were here first. So, I just want to give us that distinction to let people know we've been here since time immemorial, before colonization, that we have this identity, and then also let them know it's not a sexual orientation - it's different because, like I said, it's a spiritual identity compared to a sexual identity.

Vignette 4:: Finding Me

As far as TS because it was still just LGBTQ+. Our Native community on the reservation still identified as that, and two-spirit never came up as an identity. Until I moved to the bigger city where they were teaching that and the term came into was adopted in 1990, and I had no idea that that was going on or anything - just really clueless to what was going on around me until I got to Portland, and it kind of opened my eyes, it's like, oh my gosh, this is happening, people are talking about it. And I even felt too before that I had this identity - just didn't have a word to put to it, so once I've heard the term two-spirit and they explained what it was I'm like, that was me, that was me growing up. I was right in there. So, now I'm like, OK, I've got my identity. I feel really happy with that and feel more of a person— Cause putting a term to it has really helped me.

Vignette 5; My Truth

I didn't get into my first same-sex relationship until about 2004, and that's when I was living on the Nez Perce Reservation. My boys were still in school, but my daughter was in college. She came home to visit, and so my brothers went to go meet her at my parent’s cabin, and I thought, I won't have to work, I'll stop by and go see her. And as I'm walking in the door, they're all just kind of looking at me, kind of upset, My boys are like, oh— They were mad at me about something, and I just didn't know what it was; and my daughter’s back there just kind of giggling, and I'm looking at her, and I'm walking in slowly as their eyes were just watching me and they're shaking their head at me and I slowly sit down and they see the panic on my face. I'm like, “What did I do? What's wrong?” And then they all started laughing. And I'm like, “What? What?” They said, “Mom, we always knew you were that way. We always knew that you were capable of loving anybody.” They thought I was hiding my relationship, but I just wasn't ready to. We weren't at that point to where I was ready to introduce her to the family yet, but they had found out that I had the same-sex relationship and they were so supportive of it, and my parents were so supportive, so I didn't get any kickback from anybody. And people were thinking I was hiding it, I said “I just didn't think I needed to broadcast it.” I said, “This is just who I am. I don't want to have to go out—" “Hey, I'm two-spirit,” you know? And that was even before I moved to Vancouver to even know. Just to get that acceptance from my kids in the weird way that they did it made me panic at first, but for them to say that, they said, “Mom, we always knew you were like that.” I was like, OK, there's something here that says that I'm portraying that lets them know that I'm two-spirit and that, you know - because I've been married to a male and then being with a girlfriend and they were just so open about it, and they’re like, “Now we have two moms,” and they just get all excited about it and stuff, and they just thought that was great. So, they've supported me throughout this whole time and even with my parents, especially when I was starting to do work in Vancouver and we did a video about two-spirits, and I showed it to my mom and she just started crying and just said, “I'm so proud of you that you're able to live your truth now.” So, just a lot, a lot of love and respect from all my family. I have not had anybody tell me different.

Vignette 6: It’s the Rural Life for Me

Well, being born and raised on the Yakima Reservation - it's very vast. We lived out in the country - kind of far from any of the big towns and even from school and lived next door to my grandparents and learned a lot from them as far as living off of the land, appreciating where you are, making the best of it, and we were really traditional family. My grandparents were teaching me how to beadwork, and took me on the powwow trail, and everything. And if I knew then what I know now, I would have had a discussion with my grandfather about two-spirits because I definitely would have wanted to get his perspective on that, but he passed away when I was nine years old and I put down the bead work, I quit dancing. And then I didn't start doing that until I started that in NARA Northwest - I got reconnected that way all these years after he passed away. But he did teach us how to be humble and to be respectful of the space where we are. So, just hearing that from him and living out in the country in a rural area made me appreciate it more. And I figured this - I don't want to be a city girl. I want to stay in a small town, live out in the country, possibly have a farm, and just always be working outdoors and with the land because that's kind of the direction I was going with the teachings of my grandparents. When I got married and moved around, I'd liked the rural areas. I loved it when we lived in the rural areas because it just felt a little bit more 'freer,' a little bit safer of being who you are, and the bigger cities just seem too crowded and too busy. I like the peace and quiet and I kind of put that into my two-spiritedness too is being able to sit in silence and stuff. I really appreciate the quietness of the rural community. So, I feel like I have a heart with the outdoors, especially with water. I love being near any body of water. I consider myself a water person. My children do too - they saw it before I did. It's always having to be outdoors because we gardened, we'd go picking up huckleberries up in the mountains. It's just always having to be out there because the air is a lot fresher for one, and there's just so much to explore. And that was the thing with me being little - my mom considered me a rebel because I always took off from the house and they would have to go find me out in the cornfields, or laying by the ditch where the water was, or just walking down trails because I was always taking off and exploring. And that's what I really appreciated about to just be able to go out and do these things in a safe manner. And so, she always had to send my siblings out – “Go find Michelle. She took off again. She's on an adventure.” I was always going on adventures my mom said ever since I was two - I would take off and they would have to go find me. I just felt so safe being out there and outdoors like that. I just really grasp living in rural areas. Right now, I'm in a big city and I'm enjoying the city life right now, but my heart is still with the rural area. So, that is why when I do retire, I will move back to that. I already have a place for me which is good.

Vignette 7: Representation Matters

A lot of them from home because I've been on webinars and stuff and they've been able to hear me speak and they're just really glad that they have a Nimiipuu who's representing the two-spirit community. And there's actually one person back there that is transgender and is doing talks as well and trying to actually convince our own tribal government to recognize same sex marriage and same sex couples - that's still a work in progress. We're one of the very few tribes that don't recognize that right now. And they have been interviewed for the local newspaper talking about being transgender, what it means to be two-spirit. I communicate back and forth with them. They're there on the reservation; I'm over here in the big city; and we're just kind of exchanging information back and forth of what's going on. They had said, “When you move home, then we'll start a safe community space for our community.” It's like, where do we want to do that? How do we want to do that? And even with NARA Northwest, we have that space for - we have our Rainbow Feathers Support Group for 2SLGBTQ+ clients; our youth now has a 2SLGBTQ+ support group; and we have a two-spirit Clinical Program System Improvement Team at NARA Northwest that's made-up of those that identify in the community or our allies. And that group - we meet once a month just to come up with any processes or policies that need to be done, or changes. We changed our intake forms to be more inclusive. We do have our support group. We have a brochure. We create safe space for our clients. So, any of that work that I'm doing here, I'm definitely going to take back with me there, and as I'm doing the work here, I'm communicating with the person back on the reservation – “Hey, this is what we're doing. This is something we might want to look into.” And, hopefully, we can get to the point where we can get tribal support and financial support to be able to create a safe space back home. So, it's a work in progress. So, I'm doing what I can from here and they are doing what they can from there, and, eventually, we'll hopefully our goal is to create a space for our 2SLGBTQ+ tribal members.

Vignette 8: Now, I Define Me

It was a little difficult in school because when my grandpa passed I wasn't dancing anymore, I wasn't doing the beadwork, so I was kind of out of that circuit. I wasn't really seen as a Native anymore by my peers. I was called an “apple”, you know— A few times and so, because I was starting to get into sports and other things, and then I was friends with non-Natives, and it kind of upset them that I was doing this and I was a school leader and I wasn't this stoic, laid back, quiet person that the Natives in our school were known to be. And cause my personality was opposite of them, so they saw me as a white person growing up, and, so, I didn't really grasp it as much, even though we'd go home and visit and I'd think, OK, now I can be Nimiipuu without them saying I'm playing around or being a 'pretend Indian.' And so, it was really hard through school. So, once I graduated high school and wasn't around that anymore, I felt a little bit more that I could empower myself now to be who I am without having to be judged by the Native community there. So, now I really feel empowered, and every time I introduce myself, that's how I introduce with my name, I’m two-spirit Nimiipuu from the wal'wá-ma band of the Nez Perce Nation – that’s my introduction. So, I want people to know. Yes, I know. I know where I come from. I know who I am and I'm proud of this. So, I let people know that now.

Vignette 9: You’ve Got Me and I’ve Got You

I usually don't think about my supports because I've been a support person for a lot of people, and I have to learn to take care of myself, which is something since COVID that I'm finally learning I need to do is take care of myself and think of my supports. I had created a support group for me. I'd reached out to a couple of friends and my daughter and I said, “I want this group right here for me to be my support if I have anything I need help with, I will be reaching out to you.” So, we've created a chat just for that if I have anything that I need help with, and that's mental health wise. NARA Northwest, the team that I work with, are like family. I know I can count on them for anything. They are just so open. And we do have a couple of our department members that are 2SLGBTQ+, so we have that support right there as well. If I need anything, anytime, we really have each other's backs. I mean, we help each other move, we babysit their kids, I mean, there's a lot of things that we get involved with outside of work. So, we have the support in working outside of work, and I know that I can always count on that. And I also have the community, the 2SLGBTQ+ community that we've created during the pandemic - the Future Generations Collaborative, which is an arm of Multnomah County Government, they created these support groups to meet over Zoom just to have a space because we were all isolated. So, there was a 2SLGBTQ+ group that was formed, and we would meet every Tuesday evening, and just sit there, and just talk about whatever we wanted. FGC would actually send us supplies. We would decide, “Oh, let's have let's do some beadwork.” So, they'll send the supplies to do beadwork. Somebody said, “Hey, I want to make pozole.” So, they sent us all the ingredients to make some pozole. So, we'll be there on our laptops or on our cameras while we're cooking together and stuff. One even taught us how to paint on canvas. I mean, we just did a lot of activities together that were really uplifting for us because being in isolation, but to have that group, just learning more about each other and feeling safe. And a lot of them were so thankful for that group - they never had a group like that before. They said, “We need to continue this.” Unfortunately, they ran out of money, so then that kind of disbanded. But just learning what I learned then I'm bringing to work that we are doing at NARA Northwest and trying to get that collaboration going for our community there as well. And I'm still in touch with all these people that were in that group. And anytime they need anything, they can count on me, and vice versa. And it's always good, and we always remind ourselves too. We always check in with each other. It's like, “Hey, how you doing? I've haven’t heard from you for a while. Everything going OK?” and went, “Oh, I need help finding a job.” “Oh, well, let's go find a job for you.” So, well, just that kind of support that we just keep going; and knowing that we're doing it in a safe, protective way— Of providing any kind of support to them because, like when one was wanting to find a job, it's like, I'll make sure that they are 2SLGBTQ+ friendly to that effect. So, there's a lot of support there. And, like I said, I'm learning now to take care of me and I'm reaching out more to people, which I'm really grateful to have the people that I do right now in community, to be there for me. So, it's been very rewarding to have that and very humbling for sure. So, it’s like, “Hey, Michelle. You can't support everybody. Let somebody support you.” So, I've learned to do that.

Vignette 10: Me, Myself and I

I grew up learning that if you're having mental health issues then there's really something wrong with you, but mental health is for everybody, everybody needs that; and realizing that, I finally took that step to do mental when my wife first left - that's when I knew I need to go see a therapist, I can't keep that gap there anymore, I have to take this step. It was a good step that I took in realizing there's not that much wrong with me. I do just need some issues that need to come out and to address to help with my mental health. So, I filled in that gap. And then, with them thinking that I have a relationship gap, I'm like, “No. I think I'm a better person by myself.” Then, I need to take care of myself. I don't need to take care of anybody else right now, so I'm really happy in the situation I'm in right now, especially after going to a therapist for a while. And then being able to rely on myself and be able to accomplish the things that I'm doing now, because I don't think I'd be accomplishing what I am right now if I was in a relationship, and I let my kids know that and my parents know that. So, even though they still worry about me being here by myself they're realizing “Well, you’re a lot stronger than we thought. I think you'll be OK.”

Vignette 11: Know Your History

Well, the one thing that I really push is the two-spirit history - where we came from, how we were considered sacred and held in high regard, and that I want to bring back to the two-spirit community to kind of feel that empowerment, put our place back into society and not be ashamed of that. And to educate others that it's not a bad thing, you know? We need to do that decolonizing to get back to our ways of thinking before colonization, where we were more accepting, and to let them realize, the youth especially, that we have this history that they need to know that so that will help empower them. And I also talk about just the timeline of how we came through that— Different instances that happened throughout history that even included when the Natives got the right to vote in 1924, and our Indian Religious Freedom Act in 1978, and how the two-spirits can come through that to gain recognition. And let them know that there are safe spaces that have been created, and if you can't find one, we'll help find one for you. But I do want them to embrace that history - that's the one thing that I really push on there. And to research your own tribe. And I've done a youth advocacy workshop with Southern Oregon, their Coast Pride down there, and they wanted to know more about the two-spirit history and that's what I was teaching them - the history, and then I introduced them to some of the like TikTok creators and different people that do content around being two-spirit, and the health of two-spirit, and the mental health of two-spirit, and to find those resources, and to realize there are people out there looking out for you because I want them to feel that they are sacred. Everybody is sacred, but with the two-spirit community you have that special gift within you if you identify with the two-spirits, the male and the female, and even if you don't identify as two-spirit but you’re Native LGBTQ+ individual, same thing, we still have that support there for you, but know your Indigenous roots too. To me that's very important for people to know.

Vignette 12: It Takes a Village

But it's really imperative that even parents of 2SLGBTQ+ youth need to realize the significance so they can be more accepting, more welcoming, be more warm/warming towards their own children because it is sad to see some that do get disowned. And if there is some that get disowned, let's find a community for you where you can be safe because we cannot leave anybody behind because of the way they identify. We just want to make sure to let them know that you do have space— And if we can't find one for you, we'll create one for you. It's very important for our youth to feel that love and that acceptance, and I want to make sure that it does come off that way. I do have a transgendered grandson who has ran into a few objections with their mom's side of the family - this is my son’s trans son. And my side of the family is fine with his identity, have no problem, and I think my work had a lot to do with that because they've seen the videos, they've heard me speak; but on the other side of the family, they are struggling with it because they don't know the history, they don't know how to accept - they think it's wrong. So, my grandson’s smaller siblings, because he's the oldest, his smaller siblings are teaching that family— Because they've heard me and they've heard what I've had to say. So, they're teaching that family— “You gotta accept him. That's a him. You can't get mad about it.” I met my five-year-old granddaughter. When my grandson would get misgendered, she would just stand right there and, “He/Him. He goes by he/him.” And would get mad because they would misgender him and she would just correct them right away. So, just being able to learn at that age and to know just really impressed me. And I really wish I had that when I was growing up.

Vignette 13: In Due Time?

And, like I said, my mom knew when I was younger - the way I was when I was younger. She denies it, but I said, “Remember, Mom? This/that?” She was, “Oh, oh. That was you being two-spirit.” I was like, “Yeah.” She goes, “Then I do remember way back then.” So, the signs, I guess, were there, but just wasn't really put into terms because we didn't have that term yet. So, there wasn't really anything for me to come out about, I don't think, because I had crushes on girls through school, but didn't act on them, just didn't because I wasn't one - even when I had crushes on boys, I didn't act on them. That just wasn't who I was. But I also had some school friends that I ran into that told me, “Oh. We kind of thought you were that way, you know, that you liked boys and that you liked girls.” And I'm like, “Well, what gave it away?” because I kept to myself a lot, you know, cause being judged and stuff. So, I just kept it to myself and didn't feel like I but didn't feel like I needed to explain to anybody who I was unless I was to act on something, on one of the crushes, or something where I thought I would have to explain myself, but I was never really put in that position to do that until I got into my first same-sex relationship, so. And I didn't think of anything of having to explain it. I was like, “Oh, well, I've always been like this and I just didn't want to tell you guys because I was afraid of what you might think” – I never thought that. I never thought that. I just thought I'm in this relationship. She will meet my family. We were still just young in the relationship to where I wasn't ready to introduce her yet, and she was very understanding about that. But she took me right to her mom and say, “Mom, this is my girlfriend.” And I'm like, OK. So, I probably, if it was a coming out, I probably came out to her mom before I did my family. (Laughs) So, and her mom was very accepting, too. Her family was very accepting. So, we just had that support of both families. So, both families supported our relationship. But to hear it in the context with my kids saying “We always knew you were like that”, it's like— I came out somewhere, but I just don't know when.

Vignette 14: They’re Still With Me

The thunder— I get excited at thunder all the time because my ancestor, Chief Joseph Hinmton Yalaktit, his name is Rolling Thunder from the Mountains, so every time I hear that thunder it brings me joy and it grounds me, like that's my ancestor talking to me right now, so we're going to stop and listen. I'll go out and stand in the rain – just with my head up and my arms out and just feeling that. So, it's just staying close with nature, and with my ancestors, and hoping that I'm doing my grandfather proud. I think about him often, and now my dad, so they're together, probably looking down at me saying, “OK, Michele's up to her old antics again. She’s just—” And just knowing that I have that backing and I'll sit there and just start smiling and people won't have no idea what I'm smiling about because as I got things going on in my head - I'm thinking about my ancestors; I'm thinking about my connection to the Earth. Walking outside barefoot - I just love that.

Vignette 15: Something’s Not Quite Right

Because my mom is a devout Catholic— And when she found out me and my wife were together, she sat me down two years after we got married and said, “I just gotta tell you this.” And she said when she heard that me and my wife were together, she says, “You know, you seemed happy.” But she goes, “I had this feeling of doubt.” She goes, “I wasn't really comfortable with it.” But then when she found out we were getting married, she's like, “I saw how happy you were. I was happy for you. But just something was conflicting inside of me.” So, she went to her priest and told him - said, “My daughter’s in a same sex relationship. They're getting married. I'm going to go to the wedding. I am so happy for her. She's happy. But I don't know why I have this confliction.” And the priest told her it's like, “Well, because same sex marriage is a sin. And you supporting that is a sin. You can't support that.” And she didn't like that answer. So, she left and then. She came to our wedding, had a great time, was really happy for us, and when she got home, she still had that confliction. She just didn't know what it was. And so, she went to the priest again, and she let him know - I went to the wedding. It was beautiful. My daughter's happy. Her wife makes her happy. I am so happy for her, but I still don't know why I have this confliction. And he said, “Well, the same sex marriage is a sin. You supporting it is a sin. And by you supporting it, you're turning your back on your church.” And that made my mom upset, and she stood up and she slapped his desk, and looked him in the eye, and she said, “I may be turning my back on my faith, I may be turning my back on my church, but I will never turn my back on my daughter,” and she walked out, and that feeling went away.

Vignette 16: Express Your Love

Actually, when I moved to the reservation and got into my same-sex relationship, we were very open about it and we would get some teasing, but we would get support to where other couples - because we were PDA, just always open affection - and it made others comfortable to where they weren't hiding it anymore either. And we kind of saw that as like, we know you guys are a couple, you can act like a couple, you know? And they saw us go ahead and do it, and saw the support we were getting even though we did get jeers and people heckling us, but we didn't let that stop us. So, then they said, “Oh, OK.” So, we'll show our affection for each other. We'll hold hands in public now. So, that brought other people out to be able to do that as well because we weren't going to hide our relationship to make others comfortable - we were going to be comfortable in our own relationship and do that, so we kind of helped other people come out that way to be able to do that.