Vignette 1: Finding Community  

When I first called here, when I first got here, in fact, it was 2 weeks before we moved here. I started calling a therapist to see what kind of support groups were in town and whatever. The first person that I talked to referred me to the John Deere dealer. Why, I don't know. I told him on the phone, I said I'm looking for a transgender support group, you know. And they had no idea what I was talking about. (Griff Tester: When you, who are you calling?) I was just calling, well first I called was the Kittitas County crisis line. (Griff: OK. And are they the one? There it wasn't there, they. The crisis line, said John Deere.) They referred me to the John Deere dealer. And I said they don't, I said I don't, I don't think you understand. And at that time, you know, and I don't know if, I don't know if I used the term transgender because I don't know if that was a term back then, you know. I don't, I don't remember. But I told us I don't think you understand, I said I'm looking for a transsexual support group, you know. And I mean, she just literally throws on the phone and basically told me I don't know what to tell you. So I started calling therapists, you know, and look and see what kind of resources they had. And finally, about the 4th or 5th person I called, I actually got a person on the phone and I told him what I was looking for. And he says, well, I'll be honest with you, he said most people in your situation leave town. You know, and I said, so if I move here, this was two weeks before we moved up. I said so if I move here, you're telling me I'm going to be here alone. And he said, I'll just put it to you this way, he said, if you were all to get together for a support group, you probably do the phone booth. Those were his words. And then we moved up here 2 weeks later. He was mostly right from where I found, you know. I mean, I moved up here, you know, and wanted to ... I mean, once I got here and kind of got settled in a little bit, I started looking at ... I mean, I found the PFLAG, but that was mostly just, we met for a long time. Don't ever miss a meeting. You miss a meeting, you become treasurer for 14 years. But there wasn't anybody in that group that was trans, you know. I did finally reach out to, at that time it was GALA on campus. And I sent him an e-mail and I don't know, it's like the next day I got an e-mail back from the President of that group. So I wasn't a student or anything yet, but I started hanging out, you know, because here's community, you know, kind of thing. And I was pretty much, as far as I can remember, was pretty much, I think the only trans person that was in this group.

Vignette 2: Involvement at CWU 

You know, so shortly after starting a Comprehensive, I had to change ... You know, let's see, what was ... trying to remember now. When I worked, no, when I was still working at the assisted living, I realized that I was not going to be able to maintain the, you know, lifestyle, so to speak, or my own livelihood. Not lifestyle, my livelihood, and be able to save money for the medical part of my journey. Because at that time there was no insurance, right, working minimum wage and assisted living facilities. So, I checked into enrolling in Central and got started at Central. And that was just an amazing four years. I mean that was, there for a while sometimes I thought I was like the most popular person on campus, with all of the philosophy and sociology and law and justice professors. Because I can't take how many classes I spoke in and most of it was just about sharing my own journey. But it was about educating people about the trans life, you know. One life lived twice is what I called it. But yeah, but that just led to, you know, so many different things. That then led to, you know, being out in different ways as far as newspaper articles or whatever. I mean, I've got all this stuff at home. I have a newspaper at home, front page student starts transgender support group, you know. The support group was, I don't even remember where we were holding it at. It was just a, just a get together and it might have been at the Methodist Church. Maybe we were using the PFLAG room for a support group. And we had two or three people maybe show up to that. It didn't run real long, you know, kind of sort of.

Vignette 3: Finding a Therapist 

One of the therapists saw me and quote/unquote, read me, you know, was like, oh, my god, she needs to be here. She needs to be here where she's safe and protected, you know. So, I went and they had a temporary medical records job that was a three-month contract position to get them caught up. So, I applied for that and that turned into 14 years of working a comprehensive, once I convinced them they couldn't run without me. And that turned into a therapist that was in town that worked at Comprehensive that had for eight years, had worked with the Center for Gender and Human Sexuality in Canada. And would work with trans clients from diagnosis to surgery, because at that time Canada would cover the cost of surgery. I mean, here we are in Ellensburg and here's this therapist with eight years’ experience. She just happened to be working there, you know, and she turned out to be my therapist and knew, you know, a little bit more about this journey than probably any other therapist in town.

Vignette 4: Haines to Ellensburg 

So, I moved here in September of 2001. A year before that, almost. Well, it was September 15th, a year before, you know, the previous year, in 2000. I had moved from a little town of 330, Haines OR, to Portland to find people like. There was nobody like me in that town of 330 people. And ironically as it was, through the wonders of the Internet, I had met a friend of mine that I've met online, who, she lived in Portland. And she was just, you know, so kind of came out she was opening her house up to me to ... want to come for a weekend and just kind of meet some people and that kind of stuff. Eventually it turned out her opening up her house to me, the way I put it is come to my life in a new pair of shoes, different pair of shoes, kind of thing. And as it turns out, for years she lived like 10 miles down the road from me, we had never met. (Griff Tester: Back in that small town?) In that little Township. I lived in Haines, and she lived in Baker City, and we used to joke about, you know, 3:30 in the morning somewhere we probably passed each other on some dirt road dressed to the nines and too scared to be out anywhere. But yeah, she opened up her house to me, her home to me. So, I moved to Portland and through her I met a friend who, her and her husband were married, and they bought some property north, up in Omak. And he moved up there to start remodeling the house and wanted to establish his own business. She wanted to take a job here because she wanted to keep an income coming in. (Griff: Here being Ellensburg?) Here in Ellensburg. She took it and wanted to know if I wanted to move up here with her. And at that point in Portland, through this friend of mine that I was telling you about, we were actually working with the City of Portland on adopting a non-discrimination policy for trans folks in the Portland area. We had, we were in the office and had gotten that signed and put in, that policy put into place. And then we were, we had moved out and we're working with Multnomah County for them to adopt the same policy. When the opportunity to come up here and I thought, you know, it's kind of the beginning of my rebel phase, I guess. Because it was, you know, the whole conversation with Portland was okay so we had this thing passed for the City of Portland but if I cross the street into Multnomah County or into Gladstone or Oregon City or something then my rights changed, right. So, my thought was well, if want to live in Ellensburg, Washington, I can. And so, we moved up here.

Vignette 5: Group of Amazing Trans Women  

But I think one of the things that I feel extremely blessed in this journey was this first core group to ... so that first person that I met, her name was Leanne. She's no longer with us, unfortunately. But when I moved to Portland, she was my social advisor. She was my tech advisor. Everything about computers and the Internet, you know. She was my, she's the one that walked me through my name change process. She was the one that walked me through so much of that beginning stage, right. And she was also the one that really kind of introduced me to this just this amazing group of trans women that I met that were working at Microsoft and Boeing. And one of them was, you know, was with Alcoa aluminum and another one had their own church and it, and they were really amazing trans women, you know. And I think that that set me off on, you know, just that kind of, I don't know if a rebel is the right word, but that kind of that, that rights-based path, you know. It really, and it's and I will, I will be the first one I was telling you that, you know, I speak in and I talk to people and I've spoken classes and I've done this kind of stuff and I'll be the first one to tell you it's because of those that have walked the path before me, you know. It's ... I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for those that did what they did that allowed it to where I could do what I do, be who I am. And that's my obligation to do that for the next generation that's coming. That's how we keep this going, so. (Michel Eliatamby-O'Brien: What year was this, that you moved?) It's 2001.

Vignette 6: Finding Work & Being Seen 

There were so many things in this process that let me know I was exactly where I needed to be at that time. When I first moved here, I didn't know anything. I moved here Rodeo, it was right after Rodeo weekend, you know, welcome rodeo fans. Rodeo taxi, you know. I thought, well, I don't know if this is right thing to be doing or not, you know, kind of thing. And I went down to Hope Source, or Work Source, to try to get my employment moved up, up to Washington. And was like two days later, they called me with a possible job interview. It was for a maintenance person at an assisted living facility, you know. I filled out the application and turned and a couple days later I had a job interview. The maintenance person that was there, you know, I found out later that, you know, kind of dropped me off at the manager's office, and they went back to the nurse’s station and said there's a six-foot guy out here to dress looking for a job. And I mean, I think that that's where a lot of, how a lot of people in this community saw trans at the time maybe, I don't know. But I mean like within, it was like within a week I had a job here and was working. That job not only was I this maintenance person for this assisted living, but I had a CDL at the time, so it also put me in a place of putting, taking residence and stuff to appointments. And so that in kind of a roundabout way forced me to get out of my, I could have stayed in my, the place that we have rented and hibernated out of fear, you know. But that job kind of forced me out into the public and forced me out in kind of a caregiver role. That's how people, you know, so I think maybe that was the first exposure for a lot of folks in town. I had a day where, it was winter and we'd rented a bobcat because the winter was so deep and I don't have to run a bobcat, I was probably putting more snow on me than I was in a pile. And I mean it was so bad, I was in my insulated coveralls and reminded me of the logging days when I did in Oregon. And I walked into the office, into the building and the manager came around and, she looked at me and she says you're not really liking your job right now, are you? Her name is Marilyn. She says you're not really liking your job right now, are you? And I said, and I just lost it. I just broke down and start crying, you know, because it was just so reminiscent. I gave up my life with my kids for this and my life with my dog, with my wife for this and my income and what have I done, you know, kind of thing. And she walked around the desk ... sorry ... she just gave me this big hug and she said I don't want to lose you. And she said how you like to come back on Monday as our activities director? And I, you know, she saw me, you know. She saw this and, that again, you know, put me out kind of in the public, in a different way.

Vignette 7: Out to Family 

Like one of the things I used to say. When I came out at 37, I've been thinking about this probably for 30 years. I can remember, I was telling someone this the other day. I can remember when I was a kid lying on the floor looking at the Sears catalog, going through the intimate section of the Sears catalog, you know, or other magazines, you know. And I would, if I could, if I could be anybody on this page, I'd be her. If I could be anybody on this page, I'd be her, you know. And that was how I used to, you know, this kind of thing. So I think it's only fair ... It's like I told my parents when I came out to them, I've been thinking about this for 30 years. I think it's only fair that I give you that same amount of time to process this. Hopefully it won't take that long, but I think it's only fair, you know. And my dad was, you know, he, you know, he processed it for a long time, but he processed it in a in a face on kind of way. My mom was a little different story, you know. And we didn't see each other for five years, you know. Until I finally just showed up on her front porch one day, you know. I think she was more worried about, well, I know she was, we talked about it since then. But she was more worried about what she had done wrong. Was there, you know, something in the upbringing. Something when she was pregnant. You know, this kind of thing. And mom it didn't have anything to do with you, you know, I mean. And I have fabulous relationships with both of them now. I have fabulous relationships with all my family and the only people I really lost were some of the guys I used to log with, you know. They didn't necessarily come with me, but I haven't lost very many people in my life. And I, and I, I put a lot of energy into that. I put a lot of energy into making sure that I that I tried to see life through their eyes as well, through this process, you know. I did this thing with my daughter, who, I did a PechaKucha, right. And I showed it to my dad, and it's really, it's all about my dad. It's all about my dad and my relationship with my dad and this journey. And he didn't say anything. Show it to him and he didn't say a word. He still hasn't. So I'm not really sure what he thinks about it, but (Griff Tester: How long ago was this, that you showed it?) Two years ago, maybe. (Griff: Okay).

Vignette 8: Out to Daughter  

When I came out, you know, 20 some years ago, my daughter was 9 and I've always told her that she can call me Dad. I'm not her mom. I don't want to be her mom. I can't be her mom. She has a great mom. I don't want to take that away from her. The greatest gift I've ever been given in the world is to be her dad and I don't ever want that to change. She's my daughter, I'm her dad. I'm a realist, that's how life works, right. And I'm cool with that. But I didn't give my dad the same grace. My dad, I would get mad and frustrated and angry with when he would misgender me or use my old name. You know, my daughter doesn't use my old name. She calls me Tylene and she calls me dad. This is my dad, Tylene, kind of thing, to her friends or whoever. But I didn't give my dad that same grace, and I don't think that was fair to him. And I didn't realize that until later, you know, and I apologize to him for that. You know that I held him to a different standard than I did my daughter. And I think that that's, to me as a trans person, that was an important lesson in what I'm asking of others through this journey with me. We all have to do this together. In my eyes, we have to do this together. 

Vignette 9: Community Support

This part's really hard for me to tell ... and it's because it's an opportunity that I had that not very many trans folks get, or not really trans women got, you know. And this friend of mine that I had moved up here with, we had met because she was going through a tough time and I wasn't working at the time, so this Leeanne that I moved in with wanted to know if I could help her out during the days because she had to go to work, you know, and I'm like, ‘yes’. So that was how we met, you know. She'll tell you that I'm her angel, you know, kind of thing. And that was how we met. And later on, she came across an inheritance and she gave me this gift that started the ball rolling for me to be able to go to Thailand for the medical part of my journey, right? Well, this roommate that I had here - again, this is in Ellensburg - she kind of spearheaded this fundraising event, yard sale, at the Unitarian Church. And they raised $2300 at that yard sale, and that was to help cover my airfare to get to Thailand and back. And I say that and I don't, I mean, I'm extremely proud of that, you know. I don't know. I don't have lots to say to this. I don't know who they, who this, who people saw in me or what people saw in me that they would go through that thing to do something like that. But at the same time, like I said, not very many trans folks get to share- get to have that kind of story. I mean, I didn't have any money, you know. I was a starving college kid, I didn't have any money at the time. And there were people in this town that donated stuff to that yard sale that friends and people I didn't know, you know, there were gifts that were coming in from people I didn't know, they just knew other people at the church. I was getting ready to leave the night before and this local business owner stopped by, and - a friend of mine, you know - and wanted to know if I had any, ‘got any cash in pocket’, you know, and I said ‘I think I got 100 bucks’, you know. And he just reached in his wallet and pulled out another 300 bucks and said ‘here’ kind of thing. And, that's pretty humbling.

Vignette 10: After Summer Party

There’s somebody that lives up in upper county that used to do an after-summer party every year, and it was always the weekend after Labor Day, you know, and they would always do a get together up at her house. And she called it her ‘after summer party’ and it started on Thursday with high tea in the afternoon at the gazebo out on the front of her place. She lives way up in Upper County, up above Roslyn. And then, you know, Thursday night, so that was Thursday night, and then Friday night we would all go into Cle Elum, you know, to dinner. And then Saturday night, we would all go to the Old Number Three, which is a little bar restaurant up there, not much to it, you know. But there would be 40 of us going in there from states around, you know. They come down from Canada, she had friends that were down from Canada, over from Idaho, from Oregon, you know, that would go to this thing. And, you know the owner of the Old Number Three, he would get right up, because would there be a band that would come, The Nasty Habits was an all, you know, kind of a trans girl cover band kind of thing, you know. I mean, he'd get- he'd walk right up there and he would- the first thing that he would say was that, you know, ‘these ladies are here to have a good time, and if you can't handle that, you'll be asked to leave’. I mean, he set the groundwork, right off the bat. And there were a couple of times that folks got escorted out, but for the most part we had a great time. And that was my age, I called it my trans fix. You know, you’d go kind of all year long and not have - I had a lot of support around me, you know people that, people I've worked with and friends and all that kind of stuff, you know, wasn't really worried about that for the most part - but sometimes you just got to walk with the folks that are walking the same journey, you know. So I used to look forward to that.

Vignette 11: Esprit Conference

One time- one year I think, I went to Esprit up in Port Angeles, which was the- who was the largest trans gathering in Washington state at the time. But it was like a 10-day event in Port Angeles every year. But they would have, you know, doctors would come and do breakout sessions, and cosmetologists, and plastic surgeons, and clothes vendors, this kind of stuff; They did a fashion show, and they took, you know, you could take a tour and go to BC and back, you know. It was a- they booked out the red line every year up there.

Vignette 12: Programs on Campus

When I was part of- when I was at college, and when I was a president of GALA for one year, you know, and we did some really, really cool programming on campus around, you know, we did a one life lived twice. And it was standing room only in the old SURC, you know. And I invited this old friend of mine that was the- just this prolific writer, and, you know, about writing; and she talked a lot about the legal ramifications and things that were in place at that time around being trans right, and rights, you know, how your rights change and that kind of stuff. I invited up a trans doctor from Portland who come up and talked about the medical aspect of it. I also invited my therapist who talked about, you know, the mental health aspect and the psychological aspect of being trans, and the challenges, that kind of thing that were at place. And then another gal from Portland that came up that was working with the youth program called Outside In, and one of their programs was to help trans youth get their identity, you know, and get and- or not identity, but get their identification and get, you know, things so that they could begin looking for work and that kind of stuff as they’re transitioning kind of stuff. And that was a really, really, really well attended- that was the first program - I guess, if you want to say that we ever put together - that I can remember that was trans focused on campus, in my time up there anyway. We did a- we showed the movie “Soldier’s Girl” and invited Calpernia Addams to share her story. And, you know, and then I don't know if, you know, there was other groups up on campus that started inviting, you know, like the first trans model in America's Next Top Model, Isis King (M. Eliatamby-O'Brien: Yeah, yeah, I remember that. That was a big year). So I mean I think that there was some really, really cool things going on. Not very much of it was happening in town, a lot of it was happening up on university, but (Griff Tester: On campus).

Vignette 13: People Seeing Me

When I first moved here, I was so hyper-sensitive to what other people thought and what other people were seeing that I couldn't get- I mean I missed of week of school because I couldn't leave my apartment because my- I would- for me it was, I was so hyper-focused on one, people seeing me as who I was, and if I didn't do- if my makeup wasn't right and my hair wasn't right or whatever, then I was a clown, then I was, you know- and I use that term loosely, but then I was somebody trying to- I was trying to be somebody that I'm not, right, and not knowing what I'm doing. I mean I was 40 years old, you know, about 40 years old you should know what you're doing if you’re going to do your hair, right, kind of thing. But I was so hyper-focused on that that it was, at times it was really debilitating and, you know, there were times- I mean, if it weren't for the fact they do a paycheck I wouldn't have even gone to work, you know, but I could go in there being in my office where I was safe, you know, kind of thing. And as time goes on, you know, yeah I, it's like I don’t- I was talking to somebody just the other day, you know, trying to disguise my voice, and this is what trans people sound like sometimes, that's what trans women sound like sometimes, you know. I would much rather go through the cash register and have a conversation with the person at the cash register and walk away and that person see me as who I am rather than that person seeing me trying to be somebody I’m not, you know. That's more important to me.

Vignette 14: Slow Pirouette

I had a - just a funny story - walking through Super One one time, and this lady- I mean, I always tell everybody if you want a trans person give your- you want a Navy SEAL, a good Navy SEAL, get a trans person, because they're so hyper-aware of their surroundings (M. Eliatamby-O'Brien: right). I mean you can walk through a grocery store and you're looking at the cucumbers, but your peripheral vision is looking at the mirror at the lady that's standing behind you or whatever, right, you’re always aware of all these reflections and everything else that you can see what's going on around you. And there was this lady in the produce and she was just watching me go by, just, I mean... And it was right around Christmas I had almost, you know, 3 foot of length green dress, my black boots, you know, it was lunchtime, you know, I was going to get lunch. And I walked around the end of the aisle and I stopped to look up at the chips or something like that - again for a field of vision - and I could see her still standing at produce, just looking, you know. And nine times out of ten, I'm a firm believer that if I went on about my business, she’d have went on from cantaloupe to cucumbers and five minutes later she‘d have been wondering if she's gonna have peas or carrots for dinner tonight, right. But there was just something about me. And I turned around and I walked back at her in the produce and she was still standing there kind of looking, you know, like trying to figure out what had happened. So I just walked into the middle of produce and I put my arms out and I did this slow pirouette. It’s like “if you want to look, I'll give you a look, I'll show you.” And I just did this slow pirouette and just caught eyes with her again and turned around and walked on with what I was doing. And I always figured that was okay. That’s the difference between, you know, five minutes later, she's going on with what she's going to have for dinner or turn that into a dinner time conversation; I'm pretty sure that turned into a dinner time conversation.

Vignette 15: Hypersensitive

You know, and talking about first moving here, I used to- I would walk back, or I’d go to Safeway a lot, and I’d walk back and forth right along the cash registers, back and forth until I would find an open cashier before I’d go in. Because to me, standing in one place in line gave people the time to put two and two together. In class- ah man, I hated class because you're sitting there in class and, you know, other students are looking and that's when they’re starting to put two and two together, you know, hand size, shoulder size. They call your name and “here”, everybody looks, you know, because it doesn't- things don't match up, you know. So yeah, that was- I was really hypersensitive to that stuff when I first moved here, you know.

Vignette 16: Not Looking Over My Shoulder

You know, I talked about- I was given a Student Empowerment award one year when I was in Central, and I turned around and I gave it back to the community. I'm going to keep it at my house, but I'm going to give it back to the community because this community has given me the opportunity to not feel like I have to live here looking over my shoulder, you know. And this was 15 years ago. I didn't have to live here looking over my shoulder. That was a big- that's a big thing, you know. When a person feels that way, a person feels more at ease about engaging in the community and being a part of community, that’s a good thing.

Vignette 17: More to Ellensburg

You know, when I started going into businesses and people - businesses that I went to often - and people would say ‘Hey Tylene’ or ‘Hi Tylene’, you know, kind of thing, whether that was, you know, a beauty salon or a hardware store, you know. When I worked in the front desk at comprehensive, and you know, not just the clients, but people from the community would come in – I sat in one desk here and the office manager sat here, you know. We both addressed people when they came in and people didn't respond to me or interact with me any different than they did with the office manager, you know, and then even when I graduated and started seeing clients, you know. I had one client that came in and ‘I know who you are, all about you. I looked you up. I know all about you’, you know, kind of stuff. And I'm like, ‘Well, okay, we're not here to talk about me, this isn't about me’, you know. And actually, it got to the point where she started saying some things where I got up and started to walk to the door, you know, and ‘We’re not going to do this anymore’, you know, kind of thing. Like, you know, we had a conversation and settled things down, okay, but you're going to stay over there, let me stay right here by the door. But it just became, slowly, I think over those interactions and … You know, I walk into Safeway one time to the deli, and there was a woman that was working the deli, and she's like ‘Can I talk to you for a minute?’, and I'm standing there at the cash register, paying for my cheap chicken Monday or whatever it was, you know, and she wanted to open up to me about her son, her trans son, you know. And so we started having some conversations about what kind of resources are out there. People were willing to have, you know - not a lot of people, and not necessarily fully open, but - were willing to just engage in the aisle at the grocery store or whatever about their kids or about somebody else or somebody else in their family or whatever, you know, just kinda... for me it just kinda felt like, I don’t know maybe... I don't want to use the word. I don't want to say that, you know, maybe there's not such a stigma about this, that‘s not what I wanted to say. It did become apparent that there was more out there than I thought there was, about all of this, if that makes sense.

Vignette 18: Small-Town Girl

In a small-town girl. You know, I like the idea that I can go to the store and run into the guy- the person I see at the post office, you know. I think in a lot of ways, some people get lost in the big city, you know. I can leave my house, and walk to the grocery store, and get a prescription, and walk down and check the mailbox, and swing over here, and have a bite of lunch at one of my favorite restaurants and be home in an hour and a half, you know. You go to the big city it takes you an hour and a half to get your prescription, you know, sometimes. But, I just like small town. The town with 330 people if I could’ve keep living there I would’ve loved it. If I could’ve stayed there, I would’ve, I'd probably still be there. I was 8 miles from Baker City so, but Bakers is just like Ellensburg. Sometimes I feel like Ellensburg is getting too big.

Vignette 19: Thailand

Well, again, I'm going to go back to Leanne, because she had gone there like a year before me, and so she was my medical advisor, my everything else advisor, my social advisor, everything else, and she had gone there a year before I did. And at that time, that was a pretty- I mean, at that time we were getting - most everybody I knew - were getting our hormones from New Zealand, you know, because you could order them. And in fact, the one that was just here, we’re going to buy more with prescription. And getting her- she is taking the same hormones I was, you know, and I could get mine cheaper than she could get hers through the place that she worked with a prescription, you know? Guarantee you can’t do that anymore, but, you know. So there was - in the group that I was running with, and then the trans women at the time - there was the option of going to either, you know, Phuket or Bangkok for the most part, those were the two places in Thailand at that time. Or, there were a few prominent doctors here that were doing it, but if they were three times the cost just for the doctor, let alone the hospital, the anesthesiologist, the aftercare, all of that kind of stuff, and it was all cash, you know. I was able to go to Thailand and back for - airfare included - for $13,000, you know. There's no way you could have done that here. No way in the world. In fact, I'd been there for two days before he even talked about- been in post OP for two days, before he even asked about money. I said, ‘Well, there's two cashier checks in my purse over there, in the locker’, you know, kind of thing. And I was over there for a month and actually got college credit for going. I did kind of a cultural perspective because I interviewed, you know, somebody from Utah that was there for their surgery, somebody from Japan that was there for theirs, for hers, somebody from New Zealand, and then I also interviewed a couple of the nurses, and I interviewed the surgeon, you know. I did kind of this paper write-up on it, you know. And it was over the summer, you know, for an independent studies class.

Vignette 20: Thailand, The Doctor

My doctor was a fascinating man, you know. He was in Thailand at the time because you couldn't get a- you can't drive a car until you're 21, but you can get a scooter when you're 15 I think at that time. And if you are on a scooter and you get into an accident, the state at that time would pay for facial reconstruction. And that's what he did, he did facial reconstruction. And I asked him, you know, ‘so why do you do this then? What made you change to this?’. And he was at Bangkok, actually, at a seminar that they were talking about trans surgeries. When the doctor started talking about his surgery - and he's, you know, I don't remember what his name was now he was kind of one of the leading doctors at the time for the surgery part - when he started talking about it, he said there were other doctors in the room, found that humorous, we're kind of giggling about chipping about it, and he felt that this was a community that needed compassion and he wanted to help that community. So he, you know, he figured he was used to small, you know, intricate surgery, that kind of stuff. That's why he got into it, you know.

Vignette 21: Thailand, Quality Care

And my only - in fact, the last thing I told the doctor - my only fear was that the plane was going to crash before I got there. That was my only fear. In fact, the last thing I told the doctor before he started and I was just getting ready to- he was just getting ready to put me out, and I said ‘I need you to do me one favor’, and he said ‘What’s that?‘, and I said ‘If anything happens on the table, don't let me go half done. Finish it up, please. I don't want to go into whatever's left, you know, whatever's after this half done.’ And he just looked at me, and he said ‘I'll see you tonight’. And that‘s the last thing I remember. And I woke up 12 hours later that night. I was at 8:00 o'clock in the morning and I woke up at 8:00 o'clock that night. And the staff, I cannot say enough about the staff and the doctor and, you know. I had one nurse come in - they would come in and help take your order and all that kind of stuff - and she was taking my order for dinner one night, and there one day she reached down and she pats me down here, and then she pats herself right here. She said ‘You, me, same same.’ And I thought, you know, well, that's welcome to the sisterhood, so to speak, you know. But I found out later that she was one of his patients, you know, she was one of his girls, so to speak. Because when everybody, you know, everybody would, ‘Oh, I'm a Melter [name of a doctor] girl. I'm a Kunaporn [name of a doctor] girl, you know, kind of thing. But she was one of his patients, I guess, you know. But they were just phenomenal... I cannot... I've heard so many people that have had such negative experiences here in the States, you know. But I cannot say enough positive about what I received over there, it was phenomenal, you know. I never felt so welcome and so, no problems whatsoever. In fact, I had to stay a couple of days later, you know. And I told him “So, I only got so much money’, you know. This is one of things that came out in the interview. I said, you know, ‘I'm kind of over here, a starving student. I don't have a whole lot of money’. And he said ‘No,’ he said ‘It doesn't matter’, he said ‘You paid for a procedure’, said ‘Whether you're here, you know, 3 weeks or three months, you paid for a procedure. You don't leave until you're released from that procedure’, you know, ‘It didn't cost you more’, you know. And I'm like, 'Really?’. And he said, 'Yeah.’ He said, you know, 'During the Asian wars, you taught us all Western medicine’, they said ‘We still do it that way, you don’t’, you know. That was kind of an eye-opener as well, you know. But he was a really cool guy, Sanguan Kunaporn, doctor Dr. Sanguan Kunaporn - I looked it up and this plastic surgeon came up.

Vignette 22: Returning from Thailand

I also had breast augmentation done while I was over there, and they felt really huge and you couldn't hide them- because I wasn't, you know, I wasn't wearing any kind of false forms or any of that kind of stuff before, I mean, I'm what you see is what you get person, you know. But when I came back, they just felt really big, and really out there, so I was probably pretty self-conscious of them in the beginning. But I would venture to say that, I mean, I don't think it was any different than it was when I left.

Vignette 23: This is My Town

There was a- in some ways I still am, I probably, you know, not so much as I used to be because I felt like, you know, there was a long time I felt like I was really the only trans person in town, or the only out trans woman with a voice in town, you know. I was really the only one that was standing up and saying anything or being present in different things and that kind of stuff, you know, I think for a while I felt that way anyway. And then I would have, you know, people would come to town from other places, you know, and, you know, I was kind of protective, this is my town, I was kind of protective of what I had here, you know, ‘don't come here with your wild outfits’ or whatever, screw this up for me, you know, kind of thing, you know. Not that I would ever tell somebody ‘You're not going out with me looking like that’, I would never say that to anybody but, you know. But- so I was pretty protective of it in the beginning.

Vignette 24: Freeing Things

The three things that were, for me, that were probably the most freeing were one, when I decided to stop wearing wigs, you know. That was in Portland, when I was still living in Portland and I was working for an organization, a call center, and, you know, they had come out with this mandate that you couldn't wear jeans at work anymore. And I'm like, you know, I was pretty androgynous at the time because I wasn't really comfortable coming out everywhere. And finally I just looked at her and I said, ‘Fine, I got other clothes to wear I just don't know if I have the right heels to go with them.’ I happened to have the next day off and I went shopping. That was, you know, I, you know, trying to ‘Well my girlfriend is, like, she's about your size’, you know, and all this other kind of stuff. And she finally, kind of in a roundabout way, cornered me, you know, or asked me a question I couldn't really reply to and I said ‘Okay really they’re for, it's for me.’ You know, ‘I’m going back to work tomorrow as a new person.’ And she just took everything off my arm, and she said ‘These two don't go together, but this does. This isn't your size, but I have it in your size. Would you like me to set you up in a dressing room?’ And I said ‘Okay.’ And I spent the next two hours there and she shut her- she was shuttling clothes back and forth. And that- the next day I went back to work, I was an hour early because I knew I had to go talk to HR. But I was 45 minutes late to work, I couldn’t get out of car. Finally I did. And that was- the night before when I got up that morning, I just took all my wigs and everything, and I just put them in a- I'm not going to do this. What you see is what you get, you know. This is who I am. That was one of them. The second one was coming back from Thailand, you know. It was just, for the first time I just felt me, you know. Just felt like things are all aligned now, that's the way the world's supposed to be. And then the third one was when I got my tattoo on this side. It was the tattoo of my now ex-wife. You know, it was her standing in a pool of water, you know, kind of thing and it just didn't fit who I- it fit who I was at that time, but not this time. So I went in and had that covered, and, which then I could start wearing tank tops and that kind of stuff it felt, really... well you can still see it when you look through. And then she asked me that- the person that did the tattoo asked me, you know ‘Do you want to go over that darker?’ and I'm like, ‘No’, you know. I'm not trying to cover up that chapter in my life and just put another chapter over the top of it. And so you can still kind of see it through and I'm fine with that.